What Are, What Are Everywhere

Trigger warning, and other notes: I do mention rape in here, though I don't get at all graphic. Same with domestic abuse. As for other notes, this is going to be a long one, folks. Partly because it is NaNoWriMo, and I need to make up the words I missed yesterday. But mostly because tonight?

I have a lot to say.

I logged on to my Twitter account this morning, to find that I'd been given a 12 hour slap on the wrist by everyone's favorite moderators. Meh, whatever, it's not the first time I've been slapped with a timeout on a social media platform, and half a day really isn't going to bother me that much. But it got me thinking about what I do – which is basically try to correct the lies and distortions and exaggerations and half-truths that certain people try to pass off as facts. And it also got me thinking about what those people do, and why, and what makes them so prone to going into a full-on attack mode when they're called out.

I mean, I dunno... when I'm wrong, and I have been, believe me, my reaction tends to be to acknowledge that I screwed up, apologize, and move on, incorporating the new information into whatever subject I'm discussing. I've never once turned around and said, for example, “Why, he's right! The Berlin Wall surrounded West Berlin, not the other way around as I always thought! I will now double down, call him an idiot, tell him he's so ugly a sea bass would run the other way before engaging in any kind of relations, and I'm going to report every comment he's made on his own page for the last two months, hoping that at least one of them will trigger a ban!”

I've spent years doing this now – nearly a decade, online at least. More if you count the time I spent in face-to-face discussions before the internet came into my life, but fortunately, those conversations usually stay a bit more civil. There are exceptions, as any woman who's ever gone to a Planned Parenthood could attest to, but as a rule, there are expectations in those kinds of interactions that are entirely absent online.

For some.

As to why I do what I do, it's fairly simple – there are consequences to the misinformation and outright lies they spread, and some of those consequences can harm, or kill, other people.

When you've been told, over and over, that anyone who has anything other than heterosexual sex is a pervert, and that all perverts are chomping at the bit to grab the first child they see, lock it up, and turn it into a sex slave – and no one in your life has ever turned around and told you that that is utter bunk, that there is not one recorded instance of a trans woman sexually assaulting a child in a bathroom – it's very easy to see a trans woman, instantly register her as a danger to your child, and physically assault her, possibly even to the point of killing her. After all, she's a monster, not like a regular person.

When you've been told that women routinely lie about being raped – for attention, for money, for “fame”, to get revenge on someone who scorned her – it's easy to tell yourself that the sobbing wreck in front of you is making it all up, trying to get you to feel sorry for her, and turn your back on her. And now you have a trauma victim who isn't being helped – has, in fact, been damaged even more by your refusal to believe her – and whoever hurt her is free to go on and hurt the next woman who gets within their reach.

So my quest is to get out there and tell them that what they've been told was wrong. To point them in the direction of the resources that prove that their fears are groundless. Show them the stats that prove that trans women are far more likely to be the victims of assault than to perpetrate one. Point out that false reports of rape are no higher than false reports of other crimes. And elaborate on those, explain to them that letting trans women into the bathroom won't lead to a rise in sexual assaults – and that what they propose has the result of forcing trans men into the women's bathrooms, which would be a disaster of epic proportions – and the ones facing assault are those men trying to go into the wrong bathroom. That women know they are so likely to face, not support, but censure, if they dare tell anyone they were raped, that the net result is to prevent the majority of rapes from being reported at all.

There are plenty of zealots on both sides, for the record, I am aware of that. Anti-vaxxers are a particular annoyance to me (Sorry, Nic, you know I love you, lol), I'm not fond of those who feed obligate carnivores a vegan diet because they won't acknowledge biology. There are people out there who want all guns banished from the earth, there are those who do want open borders. But for the sake of brevity, I'm focusing on the issues I know best. This applies, okay? Just insert your personal red-line issue in where my description starts. Also, to be fair, one of those above describes me, and no, you will never know which one it is.

I'm aware that I can be crazy, too. Difference is, I'm still sane enough to be sure to keep it hidden. From the public, at least.

The majority of the time, it doesn't work. There are exceptions, of course – I've seen people finally hear something that makes sense to them, and have gone on to learn more. It's hit or miss, and to be honest, I do it more for the ones who will read through the arguments without commenting, hoping that they might find some information that helps them separate the facts from the lies.

But the ones that fascinate me, the ones that have been on my mind, are the ones who absolutely can't be reached. The ones that will look directly at evidence in front of their faces, facts that all point in the same direction – and baldly state that they're still right.

I've gone rounds with these people, believe me. I have, at this point, seen every last tactic pulled out in an argument at least ten times. They say you said “X”, you show them screenshots to prove otherwise, they shift to another attack on a different front, and two responses later, they're accusing you of saying it again.

They'll take your Scenario A, and turn it into Scenario “The Rest of the Alphabet” – think, “Gay marriage will lead to legal pedophilia and beastiality!” 

There are those who will see Scenario A, and then tell you that you are asking for the rest of the alphabet. Think, the ones who insist that Hilary wants legal elective abortions up until the day of birth. Hell, I've been told my ultimate goal is to make it legal to kill newborns up to one year. And yes, he was serious.

And there we get to the deluded, versus the ones that tell outright lies. The man above was simply insane. Some of these people though – they know what they're saying isn't true. They deliberately make things up in order to make it appear as though they have an argument.

There are the ones who insist legal abortions kill more women a year than die in childbirth. It's so wrong as to be laughable – about a thousand women die every year in the US due to pregnancy and childbirth, about 11 from legal abortion. It's literally safer than a colonoscopy. Their own propaganda site states that number. This isn't even something their handlers tell them to say.

But they do anyway. They exaggerate the truth far past the point of rationality, in an effort to pretend that their concern is only for the “safety” of women. They only want to manipulate others... and sometimes even themselves... into believing that they have an acceptable reason to do exactly what they wanted to do from the very start.

And those are the ones that wind up going over the line. One of those was responsible for my pathetic little wrist-slap this morning. She simply couldn't deal with the fact that a group of us would not let her homophobic bigotry and lies stand, and kept coming back and calling her out. We didn't cave when she called us ugly, and we didn't get angry. We kept coming back. And eventually, she started stalking pages, leaving comments, and finally, actually checked to see the people who had liked our responses, and started visiting the pages of people who had never said a word to her... and harassing them, as well.

And when I logged in this morning to the punishment page? The first thing to cross my mind was my ex. Because all that stuff above, all the behaviors I described – I've lived with that kind of a world around me for most of my life.

The constant accusations of lying, even when you have proof, hell, even if you have witnesses. Telling you that you said X, even though you never said anything of the kind. Because if you can keep someone on the defensive, you make sure that they can't attack you – and as long as the accusation stands, insist that you're in the right.

The lashing out at anyone you're close to – friends, co-workers, your family. Hoping that they can keep you from reaching out, keep you from accessing help, or resources, or even simple human support. Because it keeps you trapped, and it keeps you from seeing the mirage they've built to convince you all of this is perfectly normal. And even if that doesn't work, they know that hurting them will hurt you. That you'll feel guilty. See the above paragraph. We're back there again, keep them on the defensive.

And then, finally, the slap-down. The, “you were so meeeeeaaaan, you hurt my feelings and made me have to punish you!” stage. And it's always what you did was so incredibly wrong, they have no choice but to punish you. It's always your fault. And they've spent the entire preceding interaction time making sure that you know that you are the one on trial here, that you are the bad person.

Fortunately, the worst thing they can do to me online is shut me up for a little while – and let's all be grownups here, we all know that those of us who have to deal with these people usually have at least one ghost account in their pocket. I had a little fun today, if not for long. Point is, their worst punishment is far better than what I used to face. I'll take a troll over an abuser any day of the week.

But I still find them fascinating. That the behavior is so close to identical, with the same ends in mind, to dominate and terrify someone not strong enough to face the punishment they'll get if they don't give in, shut up, do as they're told. And it fascinates me that so many people out there – men, women, online fakers, everyone – so easily slip into this description, and use these tactics.

They say when you buy a blue car, you see blue cars everywhere you go. And I definitely bought the blue car. I will freely acknowledge that. So I am truly hoping that what I'm seeing isn't really what it seems like, that I'm just... seeing blue cars.

But the truth is, I'm really afraid that it's not. Because the closer I look, the more obvious it seems to be. And there are just so... many. Sometimes, it seems pointless to even try.

Still not giving up, though. Because I learned something over the last year and a half. The only way to beat someone like that is to stand up, say that you've had enough, and back it up.

In the case of my ex, that meant finally doing the one thing I was absolutely forbidden to do – leave him. Online, it's going to be coming back. And coming back. And coming back. If no one stands up to them, they just keep doing whatever they want. It's time to back it up.

Because, like I said – they can't hurt me. The only weapons they have are words. I know what it's like to bleed. I'm not afraid of a few hurt feelings.

I warned you it was going to be long. If you made it this far, thank you... I really, truly mean that. I'm sorry, it's just been a tough few – lifetimes, heh – and I really needed to unload. Again, thank you for letting me do that.

Now GO TO BED! big grins