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No.

Two letters, indicating a negative. I don't want to, I don't have, I can't do. Simple. Easily understood. And crystal clear. 

 

Unless you're a woman. 

 

For women, this simple, immutable word is never taken at face value. It's a starting point for negotiations, at best. It's assumed that no woman ever really means “no”. She simply wants to be convinced to say yes. 

 

And if she insists upon remaining unconvinced, it's perfectly okay to override her “no” anyway. Because even if she doesn't change her answer, her “no” holds no power. It doesn't have to be acknowledged, much less honored. Because her “no” is not as important as someone else's “yes”.

A week or two ago, I stumbled across a Facebook post in which the poster stated that a married woman had an obligation to accommodate her husband's sexual needs, regardless of her own desire to have sex. That her answer should be yes, always, no excuses. And, of course, it wasn't enough that she was willing to rescind her own right to say no. She wanted all women to follow her example. 

 

Over the next few days, the theme kept popping up. The Cosby verdict, in which a woman who clearly said no, in a life situation in which “yes” would have been so out of character as to be absurd, whose accused attacker openly admitted to performing the actions he was accused of – under oath, no less – still resulted in a mistrial, a hopelessly deadlocked jury.

Because half, a full half of the people sitting in that jury box were completely incapable of believing in that woman's “no.”

That was followed up by a story highlighting North Carolina's law that outright states that a woman has no right to change a “yes” to a “no”, even in the face of actual violence being inflicted upon her. 

 

This morning, it was a story about a young woman in Alabama, who not only had her rapist's case thrown out on the grounds that she didn't physically fight him, but was actually charged for taking his handgun and three dollars out of his wallet, before she escaped his locked bedroom through a window. 

 

She committed suicide. By the way. The one “no” they can't take away from us.

The refusal to hear “no” is not limited to sex, of course. It shows itself every time a woman states that she doesn't want children. “You'll change your mind.” “You're too young to be sure of that right now.” “How can you be so selfish?!” 

 

It's why women are routinely denied permanent contraceptive options, if they don't meet a certain set of conditions – usually multiple children and more than halfway through their fertile life. It's why they're denied abortions. 

  

And the real magic of this entire situation, the absolute master stroke of sadistic irony, is this:

We are constantly, endlessly told that the entire responsibility for anything that happens to us hinges on our saying no... and making it stick. 

 

The game is quite literally rigged in such a way that if you don't say no... you lose.

If you don't say it loudly enough... you lose. 

 

If you don't back it up with physical violence... you lose.

If you do back it up with physical violence, you are guilty of a crime... and you lose.

If you say it, fight back, scream, break things, and it's ignored anyway...

You lose. 

 

There is no way to win the game. None. Advantage always goes to the house.

All of this has come at a time where I am finally seeing clearly just how deeply this phenomenon has affected, and directed, my entire life. I learned very early that my “no” was powerless, that it wouldn't be listened to, or honored. As a result, I spent years twisting myself into knots to try to meet everyone's expectations without ever saying “no” to anyone. 

 

It was a miserable way to live. 

 

I'm tired of watching us live like this. I'm tired of a game rigged to make one entire half of the population the only ones who are ever at fault for anything that happens to them.

For the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship in which my “no” is valid. It's listened to, it's honored. It's the most terrifying, disconcerting, anxiety-inducing thing I've ever dealt with... but it's also wonderful, and amazing, and it feels so good. 

 

I wish I'd figured this out a lot earlier. I will never give it up. And more than anything, I want everyone to feel like this. 

 

It's time to take back our no. We can't stand back and let this ridiculous game continue. We need to call out those who would minimize and dismiss our refusals, those who would demonize them, and us for daring to speak them. 

 

This is your life, and it's the only one you'll ever get.

Take it back. Make it your own.

Say NO.